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The Problem with Porn

My problem with porn is not religious or ethical. I realize it portrays unrealistic, objectification of females and violence. Most porn is produced by men for men and there within lies the problem.

My problem with porn is it has become the most widespread sex education we have. That would be ok if it showed real people making love but it does not because that does not produce good camera angles. The sex men are learning from porn is actually how to make sex look good.  Not how to please their partner.

I have yet to met a woman who can tell me she enjoys a facial, yet that is the big money shot. During candid conversation women make fun of the “rapid rider”.  Yet he shows up in the pornos along with “the plunger” whose main goal appears to be to hitting the cervix. In western culture men are apt to lift the women’s legs up while in a missionary position.  That reduces her ability to move with her partner and maneuver her clitoris so that she can orgasm. That is truly the definition of sex for men.

Anal sex is another version of sex for men. Woman’s clitoris is usually not at all engaged in that position and all the emphasis is on a tight squeeze for the men. Yes, there are women who have learned to like it.  There are couples who have found a way to stimulate the clitoris so it becomes a pleasurable activity for the women as well but not many.

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Transgender in closeup

Did you know that there are over 20 different chromosome differences that can lead a person to feel they are in the wrong body? Did you know that infants can now have their brains scanned and determined if they are male or female brain independent of their assigned gender? Did you know a lot of transgender people realize they are in the wrong body before the age of 5? Did you know that many transgender people attempt to mutilate their genitals to become more like they would like to be? Did you know up to about 40% of transgender people are so depressed about their bodies and general intolerance of society they become suicidal? Did you know many of them get killed just for being transgendered?

In clinical terms the condition is called Gender Dysphoria. One of the reasons WPATH guidelines still stress the importance of psychotherapy and letters before treatment with hormones or by surgeries is that there are other conditions that can present as gender dysphoria such as Body Dysmorphia and various psychological defense mechanisms following sexual assaults, rape and incest that can manifest and gender dysphoria.
In society we notice transgender women much more so than transgender men. The reason for this is that testosterone treatment is much more effective and they are able to pass much more easily. Transgender women tend to be tall and in some instances its difficult to fully feminize their voice and so they have a harder time passing.
If you ever wondered what it would be like to be transgender, close your eyes for a minute and imagine what you would feel like with the opposite genitals. Not such a pleasant thought now is it?

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The practical role of Progesterone

Females have naturally occurring progesterone hormones in our bodies during fertility years.  You may be wrong in assuming your body always produces the optimal amount of progesterone at any given time.

Did you know that a lack of progesterone can cause severe premenstrual syndrome? In fact many women have found great relief in combining progesterone cream and calcium supplements the week before their period.

You may be of the belief that with a balanced diet your body should produce enough hormones but it is not necessarily so. Why else would pregnant women be advised to take prenatal vitamins?

But what exactly is progesterone responsible for? Its responsible for a good and balanced mood, improved sleep and many other functions.

Did you know that many miscarries are caused by insufficient progesterone? If you have had a miscarriage or repeated miscarriages you definitely should try progesterone supplements. You can get a mild cream over the counter or consult with a fertility or a hormone specialist.

Endometriosis is yet another unwelcome condition that is best treated with progesterone. The balance of estrogen and progesterone that keeps your body healthy and your uterine lining in check.

Did you know that normal levels of progesterone are around 20 and during pregnancy your level can go up to 800. When you give birth your level plummets back to 0 and its this dramatic fall of progesterone that is largely responsible for post-partum depression. This can be mitigated with a heavy dose of Progesterone at the onset of symptoms.  Then tapered off as your body’s ability to produce progesterone rises again.

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Did sexual abuse ruin sex for you?

Sexual abuse can have devastating and lasting effects on victims. Child molestation, incest and sexual assault and rape, can all lead to mental and physiological responses that inhibits pleasurable sex with safe sex partners.

Some symptoms include depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress, self harm, addiction, shame, sexual acting out, unexplained fear of certain situations and/or people. Relationship issues such as trust and attachment disorders, personality disorders, triggers (stimuli that reminds the survivor of the sexual abuse event) and sexual dysfunction.

What keeps most trauma victims from seeking treatment is the fear of having to talk about and relive the trauma of past abuse. Sexual abuse always includes trauma and treatment must include specialized trauma reducing techniques such as EMDR (Eye Movement and Desensitization and Reprocessing). Techniques like EMDR accomplish both, minimal amount of talking is required to decrease the intensity of trauma.  This is done so the trauma can be processed and stored away like a memory without the active trigger.

EMDR is a well researched and accepted trauma treatment. It consists of bilateral stimulation of the body. It’s effectiveness was first discovered with using eye movements. It can just as easily be used using tapping on top of the knee, back of hands or with specialized paddles that give a short and painless vibration sensation. This effective technique assists the brain to move traumatic content from the emergency system to the storage system where is does not cause disturbance in your daily thoughts.

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When sex is painful…

Many people experience pain while trying to have sex. Both men and women can develop anxiety when they feel like their bodies are not responding correctly.  This can lead to avoidance of sexual activity and in extreme cases a belief that you can’t have sex.

Things like a yeast infection, urinary tract infection, giving birth, endometrioses, severe stress, relationship difficulties, grief and sexual trauma can easily become an onset for sexual pain. There is no one reason for pain usually, it’s a complex issue that is not likely going to go away without professional help.

Often individuals who experience pain have been to a medical professional that has assured them they are “normal”. They try again only to experience more pain and frustration. This can be a very painful and frustrating journey and too many people give up and decide sex is just not for me. But you don’t need to suffer.

There are in fact very successful treatments and supports available for people who suffer from sexual pain. Treatment includes gradual decrease of the anxiety and relaxation exercises and hormonal evaluation.  A possible referral to a pelvic floor therapist and homework exercises. A reconnection with your erotic side, re-education about sexuality and sexual attitudes and learning to enjoy sex again without pain.

It’s a process and everyone can get to a place where they can enjoy sex. You will need courage, patience and a willingness to try again when you are ready. I am ready to start working with you when you are ready to work.